“everyone find a partner and hold hands.”
we all scramble to find someone to walk in line with. there’s always that one person who never found a partner.
“i’m sorry, maria, you’ll have to go to the end of the line as you don’t have a partner”
funny how memories of primary and high school still manage to hurt even after almost thirty years away from those cesspools of constant torment, bullying, isolation and cliqueyness.
what’s even more amusing and ironic is feeling that same sense of isolation in the online world. if you’re not down with the cool kids, you’re muted, unfollowed and shunned.
there was a time when i felt so comfortable in the online world. there wasn’t any sort of social anxiety associated with being on livejournal, irc, twitter or facebook.
the person you see on twitter/facebook/tumblr is who i am in person — quiet, socially awkward, not much of a conversationalist because my life’s not as exciting as everyone else’s.
i’m not a confident person and in all honesty, i lack any real self esteem. i’ve been scared off booze due to making enough social blunders and faux pas to last me a lifetime. i tried to end my life because i’m tired of feeling like a failure. outside of work and twitter, i don’t have any friends.
here’s the difficult part, would i be welcome at a major local twitter event if i quietly rocked up, sat in a corner and didn’t say much? my heart and mind highly doubt it. there are so many people i’d love to see again but it all comes down to that unshakable feeling of isolation/invisibility. as someone who has trouble accepting that it’s ok to fuck up once in a while, these feelings can’t be shaken off.
i don’t know what to do…